You are not alone

My name is Trevor
You are not alone

There are probably people who don’t agree with some of the things I say in this post. That is okay.

I think suicide is a cowardly thing to do. 

This is the third time that I have gone to write this post. For reasons, it didn’t get to the publish stage on the last two attempts. This time, it has.

The original title was going to be “The day the laughter died”. 

I know that there was a massive response when the news came out that Robin Williams died. There have been countless blogs, postings and news articles about it and I'm going to be adding to it.

One of my first thoughts was of the film clip for Don’t Worry, Be Happy.

In 1992, there was a false rumor spread that Bobby McFerrin had committed suicide. These rumors were used as a counterpoint for his most famous song “Don’t Worry, Be Happy.” Recently, this song has gone through the agony of one of those associated with it actually ending their own life. Robin Williams was in the film clip of this song and last year took his own life, bringing that horrible rumor full circle back into fact.

It was a Tuesday morning when I found out. It hit me hard. He was the first person that I really linked to the term comedian. In 1992 I went to the cinemas in the Myer Centre in Brisbane. They were down where Target now is. I saw Aladdin. It sparked in me a desire, a life goal (one that I have all but given up on), to be a voice actor in a Disney movie. His portrayal of the Genie was amazing. In the coming years I would see him in different movies: Hook and Jumanji, Patch Adams and Mrs Doubtfire, Good Will Hunting and Dead Poets Society, and many more besides. He was an inspiration to me.

And then he killed himself.

That Tuesday was a big day for me. It started with filming “13 Ways to Hail the Bus” for the Cheeky Moon channel. A shoot that involved some physical comedy. It wasn’t easy. We came up with quite a few different bits and pieces. Some were prepared and brought along by the person filming, like the batman cowl and the Christmas lights. Some were just made up with some of the random bits and pieces I had lying around in my car like the Scooby Doo hat and Santa school certificate. I was performing comedy without an audience mere hours after the news. It was tough.

The cowl was too small.

After this shoot was done, we changed locations, added another actor, another director and most importantly a canvas of a famous actor from Jurassic Park and did the final shots for “My Friend Jeff”. This involved going on the wheel of Brisbane first and then wandering around Southbank and the nearby locations with a goofy grin on my face while carrying around said painting. We got more than a few strange looks and more than a few smiles, possibly making people’s day. 

 The true star of My Friend Jeff

That finished, I got in the car and drove down to the Gold Coast Arts Centre for the tech and dress run for Short and Sweet with Merry Fecking Christmas. At this rehearsal, I got to wear the kilt for the first time (The photo is from the opening night).

I’m the one wearing the kilt

During the tech rehearsal I was off my game and missed a few lines. This play, while being quite funny also dealt with death, so it was understandable that we were all a bit distracted. As usual, I berated myself for my perceived failings. The real challenge, however was yet to come.

During the dress rehearsal, we were given the opportunity to see some of the other plays. For those that don’t really know, the first line of any play (particularly one as short as ten minutes) needs to set the tone, pace and atmosphere. I was the one with that gift and responsibility.

So you can imagine the situation. It’s been a challenging day. I’ve found out about Robin Williams, I have been on full steam all day, I messed up the tech rehearsal, I’m backstage, waiting to bring on the play’s couch and start the show. It’s the first time we are performing this for any sort of real sized audience. The play before ours begins and runs its course. It was not one that I had heard before, but it was all about mental illness and the struggles of an individual in the throes of that life.

All right Trevor, no pressure.

We got through it well. There were no real issues other than with props (we sorted those out before opening night). But there was a lot going through my mind. Through all of our minds to be fair.

That day started with a death and it hung over me for the entire day. I didn’t even know the man.

Can you imagine what it would be like if I had known him?

Suicide is a very real concern in our society. There are statistics, they are horrible and don’t need to be quoted. I think that it is a very selfish and cowardly act. It is selfish in a way that puts yourself, not first, but only. It is a selfishness bred from apathy.

I have seen too much death and loss at the hands of this despicable action. I cannot justify how a person can do this, and that is NOT my failing. That's not to say that people aren't allowed to have dark thoughts. I've had them. That's part of human nature. But to act on them, that is something else entirely.

A number of years ago, I was at a funeral for a young man who took his own life. I knew him. At this funeral, his suicide was almost romanticised. “It was the only way out.” “He couldn’t bear living.” It was made as if his decision was acceptable and that the losses of those he left behind were not his problem. They may not have been his problem, but they were his fault.

Within a month, there were at least two more from his social group that followed his example. Perhaps if, instead of making it sound acceptable, they focused on the tragedy and those left behind these deaths may have been prevented.

I’ve been present at more than one suicide attempt. I’ve been the first to be called when something has happened but been unsuccessful. I’ve been the one who has had to call the ambulance. I will not go into details and I will offer no clues as to identities. Many of these people have gone on to be happy. Thankfully, I have not been the one to find a successful attempt yet. I hope I never am.

The people who truly suffer are those left behind. The friends, the family. There is the loss. The sadness. But worst of all, I think at least, are the questions. What if I’d…

Those left behind are often asking themselves questions that they cannot have any answers to. There are huge numbers of variations to the question but they usually end in a similar way. “…maybe they’d still be here today.”

I understand that people can go through incredible pain. I understand that there may not seem like an end in sight. I know people suffer from depression and other mental illnesses. I know that when you’re in the depths of these conditions, that what I’m about to say next can be one of the most challenging things to accept.

You are not alone.

You are not alone.

You are not alone.

I know that this can sometimes feel like it’s the furthest from the truth, but believe it.

If you are feeling alone, call someone, send them a message, ask for help; or just simply, try to talk to someone. Sometimes it helps to know that someone cares. If I know you, I care about you. If I don’t, I still care. I want people to be well. I’m always ready to listen. Say the word. Tell me it’s important and there will be no questions asked. For those who contemplated this act, I'm not trying to offend. If anything, the message I desperately want to get across is I am overjoyed that you are still here.

Since his death, I have seen some of Robin Williams’ films. There was a moment in one of them that struck me as ridiculously powerful. I suppose some of that can be put down to hindsight, but I also remember that it resonated with me when I first saw it. There is one line in Bicentennial Man. His character, Andrew, is confronted with Portia, the granddaughter of “Little Miss” who was the youngest daughter of the family to which he belongs. During his confusion, Portia laughs at something he says. Andrew asks her “what’s so funny?” to which she replies “You are.” The line that sticks with me follows: “I’m not trying to be funny.” The look on his face when he said this came from a place of incredible honesty. This line struck a chord within me. I could see that this would possibly be a challenge that he faced on a daily basis. For most of the world, they say Robin Williams in a certain way. For many, the question was “What could someone as funny as Robin Williams have to be sad about?” They saw his ‘public face’. Behind that all was the man.

The reason that I have included some photos in this post that don't match the tone of it is to illustrate this point. My public face was bright and cheerful for the most part. It didn't show what was going on beneath the surface. 

For me, a lot of the last couple of years have been toning down my ‘public face’. To show people that sometimes, I’m not trying to be funny. There are people who have come to know me as a full individual. They took a risk on the early stages of meeting a brightly clad goof ball and found that underneath all of the madness, there was something more, potentially even deep. I have been taking that terrifying step of bridging that gap between the ‘public face’ and the man.

This blog has helped.

You impact a large number of people in this world. It could be on a personal level like family, friends or lovers. It could be on a surface level, like co-workers or team mates. It could be on a subconscious level, the person who always catches the train with you, or the server at the local restaurant. If you need help, there are people in the world. If you don’t, be there for those who do.

If people get to see the real me, not a caricature of a human, I may be able to help others as well as myself. They may be more comfortable talking to me. They may not. Either way, I am always there.

I know that this post has been somewhat jumbled and sometimes incoherent. There’s only so many ways you can rearrange words to get the same meaning. In short, it is okay to feel fear. It is okay to be crippled with doubt and insecurities. It is not okay to rob the world of you. 

My name is Trevor.
You are not alone.